Relearning Life

People in their right minds – or moods anyway – don’t anticipate their next inevitable bad day. The appearance of them every once in a while proves their unfortunate existence, but people in their right minds don’t dread bad days on a daily basis.

I don’t dread such days either. I live down days every day of my life.

A good day is the out of the norm experience for me.

The words, I feel good, dawn as a surprise, a foreign thought and sensation.

What should be the modus operandi of my life, with the occasional interruption of shitty days, becomes a cause for suspicion. A lightness of mood, a clarity of mind, becomes the bone of contention. That is the square peg for the round hole – rather than the overall scheme being the problem.

I feel my psyche has sucked me into a trap; luring me closer with the promise of bright light and fresh air, only to drape me in cobwebs deeper and darker than before. Instead of experiencing a ‘ lightness of being’, I drag around the weight of fear – that it won’t last, that my life will never be the way it was before the clouds.

. . . That we should all bask in the warmth of sunshine on our skin . . .

Irham Anshar

Irham Anshar

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5 Comments

  1. I don’t always comment, because it is sometimes a little too close to my heart and my experience. But know that I read, understand, and feel for you.

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    • Jennifer Butler Basile

       /  April 14, 2015

      That makes my heart super happy, Marina. A kindred spirit in silence is still kindred. Thank you.

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  2. I’ve spent a good portion of my life not trusting the good days, too. Living in fear of those other days, especially the ones that go so dark that it’s nearly impossible to survive them.

    I wish there was one thing I could point to that defines how I started seeing a slow turnaround, but I can’t point to any one thing. The death of my parents, my natural age progression (56), a decision to try to dismiss as much negativity from my life as possible, another decision to constantly re-train my brain to recognize the things I can appreciate, yet another decision to attempt to stop the practice of complaining all the time … all steps that moved me in the right direction, but honestly, it was that undefinable thing that has helped me discover a better balance. The thing I can’t name. Even though I never expected it might be possible, I actually now have more good days than bad, and despite this being true for some time now, I’m still a bit wary. I guess our caution is like an insurance policy, and we hold tight to it, just in case.

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    • Jennifer Butler Basile

       /  April 14, 2015

      So wonderful to hear a voice from the other side. And to receive undefinable advice – that totally makes sense. SO makes sense. I’ll keep moving toward the undefinable when it feels right until things feel right – and learn to trust it.

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  3. Reblogged this on Darque Thoughts.

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