Ode to Maternity Clothes

Thank you, maternity clothes, for making me feel less attractive than I already am

I realize the orb-like appendage extending from my midsection leaves you with lofty goals to attain; still, you fall grievously short of your endgame

With fabrics somewhere between highly viscous jet fuel and canvas starched to within an inch of its life

With shoe-string thin ties that either knot in one’s back or threaten to dip in the toilet in an already awkward dance

With handkerchief hems that add volume to our thighs, yet leave our sausage-like backside showing

Thank you

Thank you for pricing anything that looks remotely like real clothing out of range of anyone in her right mind – for three months of wear

Thank you to your merchandising gurus who decided to place your displays next to the plus size wear

Thank you for providing an infinite amount of baby-doll tops to go with three proffered pairs of pants

And to your partner in crime: the fitting room mirror

Thank you for showing me the parts of myself that I hadn’t realized has gotten so hairy under that belly

Thank you for accentuating just how wide my side view now is

Thank you for sallow skin, double chin, and purple circles under the eyes

Maternity clothes, you suck – only slightly more than trying you on

1595-maternity-clothes

‘Portrait of an Unknown Lady’ by Marcus Gheeraerts II

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. And why are the shirts so short? Why?! I finally realized buying the better quality stuff used on Ebay was better than struggling with the crud Target puts out for maternity clothes. Ugh. FINALLY figured that out and this 10 week old baby better be my absolute last one- I NEVER want to be pregnant again. And seriously. the Ingrid Isabel maternity dresses on eBay. A revelation.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Little Mighty

     /  March 2, 2016

    Thank goodness that one has to wear maternity clothes for only three months. It would be horrendous to have to wear these fashions all the time! Maternity clothes designers need more fashion sense.

    Liked by 1 person

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