Locked On

They put the baby lo-jack on the umbilical stump.

If I had to choose one phrase illustrating how relaxed my most recent and hopefully last tour of a maternity ward was, that would be it.

It may not seem like much, but to me, it’s a huge deal.

Over six years ago, it was an errant lo-jack slipping off my baby’s slender little ankle that precipitated my fall into postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PPMAD). Her squirming and that slipping gave my irrational mind the fuel it needed to doubt whether I was taking home the right baby.

I haven’t had that fear this time or denial or doubt, and the nurse only mentioned that additional bit of information as we headed for the elevator, but it capped our visit in the best way possible. As the elevator doors slid shut, I looked at my husband with relief and said if she’d told us nothing else, our tour was worth that one statement.

It’s an odd sensation that washes over one as she walks the floors she knows she’ll next be pacing in pain. To see the calm, the fresh beds, the quiet daylight streaming in the windows. I know the harsh fluorescent lights will glare, the linens no longer be fresh, the quiet replaced with beeps and moans and directions. It’s enough to put anyone on edge – either a woman trying to anticipate something she’s never experienced before or one who knows all too well what to expect.

This fourth tour I’ve taken was the least anxious I’ve ever been, however. It was due in large part to the relaxed community atmosphere of this particular ward. I think I also have finally realized that how ever much I dread labor, there is no way around it, only through it.

The nurse was very low-key, gentle and calming, as she shared information and answered our questions. When I asked about labor positions and modifications due to a weak pubic bone, she explained how the end of the bed came off, a yoga ball could be used, a kneel or squat bar . . . she even said she’d make a note in my chart to request an automatic PT consult after the birth. I wanted to hug and kiss her.

And then she made my day even better when she shared the positioning of the lo-jack. I hadn’t mentioned anything about my postpartum experience last time. I hadn’t mentioned that a tiny locator device could be such a trigger. I hadn’t expressed any concerns about security. Maybe it was just that we were approaching the locked door of the ward as the tour ended, but she told us hospitals have changed procedure to attach the device on the umbilical stump because it can’t fall off.

With that one bit of information, that I hadn’t known I needed to hear or was even a possibility, my mind opened up. The iron grip of anxiety I’d unwittingly been living with lifted – if only enough to let me breathe. To see that this labor and delivery and recovery will be different. There will be no fear concerning the baby.

I am hers, she is mine. Everything will happen as it should.

baby feet

flickrhivemind

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6 Comments

  1. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Not only was this a poignant and poetic glimpse into the workings of an anxious mind, (during a time when the memories of the time before can’t help but echo loudly in every fiber of your DNA), but it was also a carefully drawn picture of a generous dose of hopefulness and calm assurance. Very nicely done, and I’m grateful (on your behalf) that the unasked questions were so generously answered, giving you a sense of peace.

    It’s amazing how you have been willing to share the different parts of your journey. By putting a voice to the various nuances of the process, you are undoubtedly bestowing peace and tranquility to some of those silent eyes that are watching, and waiting. Very well done, indeed. Congrats on not only the experience, but the sharing of the same.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Jennifer Butler Basile

       /  May 10, 2016

      Oh, your comments are a form of therapy in and of themselves! Thank you so much for your kind words. I hope to ride this peace train right through labor and delivery 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  3. ppdisland

     /  August 6, 2016

    I know, late to the party, but belated congratulations Jen.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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